Guess who’s working her ass off for you this year? Me! That’s right. I’ve just announced my next book, When Life Happened, will release in June. It’s a romantic comedy with so much heart; I think this will make a lot of Re-read lists. SO MANY FEELS!
I’m also working on Sleight of Hand, a collaboration with Kate Stewart. It’s an incredibly fun rom-com about an arranged marriage between a street performer and a Harvard student/erotic dancer. I have high hopes for this, but since I’m a bit OCD about … everything… we have not set a release date. I encourage everyone to send their condolences to Kate. I’m not the easiest person to work with!
Finally, we’re just two weeks away from the Chapter Premier of Transcend—a newsletter exclusive. I hope instant gratification hasn’t ruined all of my readers. Can you follow this story a little at a time? Or have you turned into a severe binger, incapable of waiting for anything? Throwing tantrums at the thought of commercials, and having complete meltdowns should you have to wait longer than 24 hours for your next fix?
Let’s all take a step back and enjoy the journey again. Remember what that was like? Remember when you used to look forward to something? I think it was back when we had face-to-face conversations, communicated with full words, and refrained from telling the whole world our every move.
“OMG!!! LMFAO! I just trimmed my fingernails and it took me ten minutes to get a new roll of toilet paper started! Lol.” #SittingOnThePot2Long #MajorHemorrhoids”
::checks every ten seconds for Likes and Comments:: And Shares? Fucking gold!!! You are quotable. Famous. A total rockstar!
Speaking of rockstars and fame, did you check out my video in last week’s newsletter? If not, don’t worry. I’ll hook you up with a link. See? Instant gratification. Except those stupid YouTube advertisements. The ones that let you click the SKIP button after a few seconds are bearable—just—but the ads that you have to watch in their entirety? Gah!!! Who has twenty extra seconds in their day to deal with that shit when all we want is to watch the latest episode of Carpool Karaoke? ::cue tantrum::
Happy New Year!
I get a lot of email with questions from readers, so I’ve randomly picked some to answer.
Q: Are you going to post more videos on The Jonesies Facebook page showcasing your talents?
**(Hooping and tramping in 2016, but not at the same time.)
A: Yes. I have many talents beyond writing. 2017 might include yoga poses, a tutorial on making nut milk, and a live video of parking in Costco’s cart return to prevent door dings.
Q: What is your favorite wine?
Q: Do you get nervous at book signings?
A: No. I wear platform shoes to boost my confidence. **Fly London
Q: Will Flint get a book, and if so, when?
A: Yes. When I write it.
Q: How do you come up with your story ideas?
A: I’m a social recluse who daydreams instead of interacting with other humans.
Q: Are vegans taking over the world, and if so, is that a good thing?
A: Yes. And the animals think so.
Q: Favorite social media platform?
A: Instagram because ranters have to post a picture before they can have the mic.
Q: Who do you predict will win the Super Bowl?
A: The team who scores the most points.
Q: What do you love most about writing?
A: Making people laugh.
Q: Were these actual questions from readers?
A: No. But if you smiled even once, I don’t regret the lie.
Make someone’s day—every day.
I'm off to Arizona for some time with friends and lots of word weaving. My only writing goal this year is to make you laugh.
Jewel E. Ann
My best friend brought canned tuna almost every day for lunch when we were in school. The mean kids made fun of her AND me just by association. At the time, I didn’t understand what was up with the tuna. Maybe they were upset about the dolphins dying after getting caught in the nets. Maybe their parents were too cheap to splurge on seafood for them, and they were jealous.
Maybe they knew the vulgar meaning of Tuna Town long before we did. Yeah, that was it.
I’ve always been a mile outside of the circle. The last to know. The least likely to fit in. Yet—the most likely to Not. Give. A. Shit.
Until … I began my writing journey. Self-publishing has made the world my vagina-smelling oyster. All I have to do is BE POPULAR!
RELATABLE. <— Oh. Fuck. I’m in trouble.
I can suppress my un-relatable-ness (because that’s a real word) and write the same characters over and over because there’s a stereotype of the characters most readers love, OR I can write what’s inside me which is a cluster fuck of characters that are unique, daring, bold, crazy, and a mile outside of the circle.
Maybe they make you laugh at their ridiculousness.
Maybe they make you scream because they are stubborn to their own demise.
Maybe they make you think about something in a way you never imagined. And maybe, just maybe that makes them memorable, endearing, admirable, commendable, and … lovable.
Scarlet Stone is coming on December 10th and she is UNFORGETTABLE.
Jewel, Warrior of the Earth, Defender of the Herbivores, Least Likely to Be Homecoming Queen
**This blog is dedicated to everyone who started their period before their friends, thought blow jobs were how you dried your hands in public restrooms, and at the tender age of eight, found a condom in a moving box marked “toiletries” and tried to blow it up like a balloon but wondered why it was so wet.